Subtitles by Phaeton
Narrator: There was a time, a time before cable,
when the local anchorman reigned supreme,
when people believed everything they heard on TV.
This was an age when only men were allowed to read the news.
And in San Diego, one anchorman was more man than the rest.
His name was Ron Burgundy.
He was like a god walking amongst mere mortals.
He had a voice that could make a wolverine purr,
and suits so fine
they made Sinatra look like a hobo.
In other words, Ron Burgundy was the balls.
Mmm. I look good.
I mean, really good.
Hey, everyone! Come and see how good I look!
Mm, ehh, mm.
Ribs. I had ribs for lunch. That's why I'm doing this.
How now brown cow. How now brown cow.
How are you? You look awfully nice tonight. Hmm?
Maybe don't wear a bra next time.
No, I was talking to you. No, not her.
I don't know her name. What is it?
Lanolin?
La-lanolin? Like sheep's wool?
Unique New York.
Mm, I love Scotch.
I love Scotch. Scotchy, Scotch, Scotch.
Here it goes down.
Down into my belly. Mm-mm-mm.
The arsonist has oddly shaped feet.
How much time? 30? 30 seconds?
- Man: You are on. - I'm on right now?
I don't believe you.
- # Doo doo doo. # - Ron!
Oh, come on. Audrey.
I look like hell. I got bags under my eyes.
What's that? If you were a man,
I'd punch you right in the mouth.
That's bush. Bush league.
The human torch was denied a bank loan.
You hear me? Audrey, look at me!
I'm sorry.
All right? I'm sorry.
Ha ha! Ha ha ha ho!
Ha ha ho.
Ha oh!
All right, we're on.
Ready, Phil.
We're on in five, four...
Narrator: When the clock struck 6:00,
it meant one thing for Ron Burgundy
and his news team: Go time.
Announcer: Channel 4 News,
with five-time Emmy award-winning anchor
Ron Burgundy.
Champ Kind, sports.
Ooh! Hoo-hoo!
Brick Tamland, weather.
And your reporter in the field, Brian Fantana.
It's Channel 4 News at 6:00.
Good evening. I'm Ron Burgundy,
and this is what's happening in your world tonight.
A La Jolla man clings to life at a university hospital
after being viciously attacked by a pack of wild dogs
in an abandoned pool.
Hey, everybody! Shut the hell up! Ron Burgundy's on!
Authorities are still uncertain as to why the man
- was loitering... - Ron Burgundy.
Oh, my gosh! She said her first words!
Right now it's 82' in our fair city,
and compare that to 48' in the upper Northwest
and 38' in the Middle East.
Off the coast of Tampa Bay yesterday,
one lucky cameraman happened to catch
an unusual aquatic daredevil.
What you're about to see is a Channel 4 News exclusive.
His name is Nutty the Squirrel,
and he's three years old.
How 'bout that?
That squirrel can water-ski.
- Man, that's hilarious. - Yeah, that's good.
For all of us here at News Center 4,
I'm Ron Burgundy.
You stay classy, San Diego.
All: You stay classy, San Diego.
Listen up. The ratings just came in for last month.
We are number one. We just grabbed every key demographic.
- Super-duper, gang! - Yeah! Yeah!
Super-duper! That's nice!
Way to go! Neat-o, gang.
- Brian: Yes! - Ron: Boy, Ed.
That is good news. I gotta be honest.
- Congrats, congrats. - That is good news!
- Brian: All right! - Stick around.
Make sure these guys don't party too much.
- They don't really ever listen to me. - Just get it done.
Ladies and gentlemen, can I please have your attention?
I've just been handed an urgent
and horrifying news story.
I need all of you to stop what you're doing
and listen.
Cannonball!
Narrator: Yes, these fellas were a real news team.
Burgundy, of course, was the foundation, the rock.
But each member brought their own special something to the equation.
People call me the Bri-man.
I'm the stylish one of the group.
I know what you're asking yourself,
and the answer is yes, I have a nickname for my penis.
It's called the Octagon.
But I also nicknamed my testes.
My left one is James Westfall,
and my right one is Dr. Kenneth Noisewater.
You ladies play your cards right, you might get to meet the whole gang.
Bang, boom, they were showing lasers
every Friday night.
Champ here. I'm all about havin' fun.
You know, get a couple of cocktails in me,
start a fire in someone's kitchen.
Maybe go to SeaWorld, take my pants off.
Anyway, I've become kind of famous
for my signature catchphrase, "Whammy!"
As in, "Gene Tenace at the plate...
and whammy!"
Whammy!
I'm Brick Tamland.
People seem to like me because I am polite
and I'm rarely late.
I like to eat ice cream,
and I really enjoy a nice pair of slacks.
Years later, a doctor will tell me
that I have an IQ of 48
and am what some people call
"mentally retarded. "
Ron: Hello!
- Whoo! Marco! - Polo!
- Brian. - You having a good time?
- I'm having a great time. - That makes two of us.
You've gotta meet this girl.
She used to be a Charger cheerleader, but she broke her pelvis.
Sherri, meet Ron Burgundy.
- Hey, Ron. - Hello.
- I've got a big story for you. - Mm-hmm.
And it's right here.
Well, hello.
You pointed to your boobies.
Oh, my God, you did!
- Ron Burgundy? - Yes?
I have had a crush on you since I was a little girl.
Let's go somewhere.
I'm telling you, it don't get no better than this.
We've been coming to the same party for 12 years,
and in no way is that depressing.
Ahh.
# Gonna make our own lightning #
# Yeah, she got the way to move me, Cherry #
# She got the way to groove me #
# Cherry, baby #
# She got the way to move me #
# She got the way to groove me... #
By the beard of Zeus!
Excuse me.
Ron, where you going? What, are you crazy? Ron!
If you're coming down the baseline, you gotta take home plate from me!
So there I go, head first, boom!
I've lost her.
Ohh.
Hello.
Hope I'm not disturbing you, but, uh,
I saw you from across the party, and, uh,
I don't usually do this, but I felt compelled to tell you something.
You have...
an absolutely breathtaking...
heinie.
I mean, that thing is good.
I want to be friends with it.
Well, you certainly know how to compliment a woman.
Now, if you'll excuse me.
Do you know who I am?
No, I can't say that I do.
I don't know how to put this,
but I'm kind of a big deal.
Really?
People know me.
I've very happy for you.
I'm very important.
I have...
many leather-bound books,
and my apartment
smells of rich mahogany.
I- I'm friends with Merlin Olsen, too.
He comes over on occasion.
That's stupid.
No, no, that's... very exciting.
Listen, can I-
can I start over again?
Sure.
I wanna say something. I'm gonna put it out there.
If you like it, you can take it.
If you don't, send it right back.
Mm-hmm.
I wanna be on you.
Wait. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
I-
I wanna be on you.
Yoo-hoo!
Baxter!
Papa's home.
There he is. There's my little man.
You're okay?
Of course I met a lady tonight.
This one was different. I have to be honest.
Quite different.
What-
I'm lonely? I'm not lonely!
I'm beloved by everyone in San Diego.
Wow.
You know how to cut to the core of me, Baxter.
You're so wise.
You're like a miniature Buddha
covered in hair.
Come again?
You know I don't speak Spanish. In English, please.
Huh?
You pooped in the refrigerator?
And you ate a whole wheel of cheese?
How'd you do that?
I'm not even mad. That's amazing.
I forgive you.
What do you say we get you in your pj's and hit the hay?
Bedtime. Okay, come on. Let's go. Come on.
Oh, that was one crazy party.
I am hung over.
Tell me about it.
I woke up this morning
and I shit a squirrel.
I mean it. Literally.
Hell of it is, damn thing's still alive.
So I got this shit-covered squirrel
down there in the office.
Don't know what to name it.
I'm sorry, Champ.
I think I ate your chocolate squirrel.
All right, guys. Let's focus up.
Morning, everyone.
Here are the stories we're going to be chasing today.
It looks like Ling Wong,
the rare panda at the San Diego Zoo, is pregnant.
This is a big one.
This could be the big story of the summer.
Network is gonna be wanting plenty of coverage.
And speaking of network, word on the street is
they're looking for a new anchor.
- So, Ron... - Huh? Network?
Are they here?
A lot of you have been hearing the affiliates complaining
about a lack of diversity on the news team.
What in the hell's diversity?
Well, I could be wrong,
but I believe diversity is an old, old wooden ship
that was used during the Civil War era.
I would be surprised if the affiliates were concerned
about the lack of an old wooden ship,
but nice try.
Diversity means that times are changing,
and with that in mind-
- Ron, are you paying attention? - Nope.
- This concerns all of us. - Okay.
Keeping that in mind, I'd like to introduce the latest addition
to the KVWN News Team,
directly from WYPN
in Asheville, North Carolina,
Ms. Veronica Corningstone.
- # Who's that lady? # - Hello.
- # Who's that lady... # - Hello, everyone.
- Oh! - I just want you all to know
that I look forward to contributing
to this news station's already sterling reputation.
I mean, come on, Ed! It's bullcrap!
Don't get me wrong. I love the ladies.
They rev my engine, but they don't belong in the newsroom!
It is anchorman, not anchorlady!
- And that is a scientific fact! - Brian: Uh-huh.
I don't know what we're yelling about!
Ron, what do you think?
She- sh- it's terrible!
She has beautiful eyes, and her hair smells like cinnamon!
Mm-hmm.
Loud noises!
All right, everyone relax. She's not gonna take anyone's airtime.
I read somewhere that their periods attract bears.
Bears can smell the menstruation.
Well, that's just great. You hear that, Ed?
Bears. Now you're putting the whole station in jeopardy.
I will say one thing for her, Ed,
she does have a nice, big old behind.
I'd like to put some barbecue sauce on that butt
and just bite, bite, bite, bite, munch, munch, munch!
- Ah-whoo! - Stop it! Oh, Jeez.
Look at the full-moon butt!
Champ! Champ! Champ, Champ!
Mr. Harken, I was just wondering
if you knew when my office would be ready.
Well, that might take some time.
For now, why don't you just grab a desk in the bullpen?
You can use my office! Then afterwards maybe we can go to lunch!
Lower your voice, Ron.
Mm-hmm!
All right. Thank you, Mr. Harken.
I'll go get my desk set up.
Oh, she is a saucy mama! I mean, I would...
Here we go again.
Every station it's the same.
Women ask me how I put up with it.
Well, the truth is, I don't really have a choice.
This is definitely a man's world.
But while they're laughing and grab-assing,
I'm chasing down leads
and practicing my nonregional diction.
Because the only way to win is to be the best.
The very best.
Ron: Touchy situation.
I think the best thing to do with this Corningstone,
to keep her in line, is bed her quick.
Oh, that behind is driving me loco!
I'm like a night wolf.
Guys, take it easy. Just take it easy!
- She's got feelings, too. - Oh, my God!
Listen to Burgundy.
He's gone soft on us, like some schoolboy bitch.
You sound like a gay.
Hey! Come on!
It's me, Papa Burgundy, all right?
As far as I'm concerned, Corningstone's fair game.
Huh? Let the games begin!
Hi-ohhh!
There he is. There he is.
I'm very aroused.
What's this?
Well, well, well.
Ron Burgundy and the Channel 4 News Team.
Hello, Wes Mantooth.
Hello, Evening News Team.
Nice clothes, gentlemen.
I didn't know the Salvation Army was having a sale.
Am I right? Look at these guys.
Hey, where did you get those clothes?
At the toilet store?
What are you doing on our station's turf, Burgundy?
You're about to get a serious beat-down.
I will smash your face into a car windshield
and then take your mother, Dorothy Mantooth,
out for a nice seafood dinner and never call her again!
Dorothy Mantooth is a saint! You understand me?
- Dorothy Mantooth is a saint! - Ron: Hey.
Leave the mothers out of this, all right?
It's unnecessary.
Besides, I'm sure Wes here
is just upset over finishing second in the ratings again.
Ooh!
That's completely uncalled for, Burgundy.
You know those rating systems are flawed.
They don't take into account houses that have
more than two television sets and other things of that nature.
I guess I have to take you at your word,
Number Two.
You have a great day, fellas.
We'll see you around the bend.
Son of a bitch!
Brian: Excusez-moi, Numero Two.
Hey, Burgundy.
You know those sample audiences aren't big enough!
Stop hiding behind those phony numbers, Burgundy! I'm coming after you!
I hate you, Ron Burgundy. I hate you!
You can't say one word?
Even the guy who can't think says something!
You guys just stand there? Come on!
Right, but I think my son is just going through a phase.
I have no idea where
he would have gotten ahold of German pornography.
But you and I are mature adults.
We've both seen our share of pornographic materials.
Oh, you never have?
Of course you haven't, how stupid of me. Neither have I.
I was just speaking in generalities.
I'll stop by the school a little later, Sister Margaret. Bye.
Ed, she insisted on coming in.
Mr. Harken, sir,
I will not have my first story at this news station
be about a cat fashion show.
Miss Corningstone, ma'am,
you will do the stories to which you are assigned.
Mr. Harken, I am a damn good journalist,
and this cat show thing is grade-A baloney.
It is not baloney. Now, go do your job, missy!
It is baloney!
Hey, Ron,
I'm gonna take a run at the new girl.
Let the games begin.
Oh, Champ, Champ, we're not really gonna actually do that.
- We were just flapping our gums. - Oh, yeah.
You kill me, Burgundy.
Let me just grab this. Oh, sorry about that.
- Whammy. - Hmm.
- Uh, Champ? - Yeah.
You're trying to touch my breasts, aren't you?
What can I say? I like the way you're put together.
What do you say we go out on a date?
Have some chicken, maybe some sex.
You know, see what happens?
Oh, let me get this over here.
Sorry.
Oh, there it is.
I'll give this little cookie an hour
before we're doing the no-pants dance.
Time to musk up.
Ron: Wow.
It never ceases to amaze me.
What cologne you gonna go with?
London Gentleman, or-
wait. No, no, no. Hold on.
Blackbeard's Delight.
No, she gets a special cologne.
It's called Sex Panther by Odeon.
It's illegal in nine countries.
Yep, it's made with bits of real panther.
- So you know it's good. - It's quite pungent.
Oh yeah.
It's a formidable scent.
It stings the nostrils.
- In a good way. - Yep.
I'll be honest with you. That smells like pure gasoline.
They've done studies, you know.
60% of the time, it works every time.
That doesn't make sense.
Well...
let's go see if we can make this little kitty purr.
Hey, sweet cheeks. Got an invite I'd like to extend your way.
My God.
What is that smell?
Oh!
That's the smell of desire, milady.
God, no, it smells like-
like a used diaper filled with Indian food.
Oh! Excuse me.
Desire smells like that to some people.
What is that? Smells like a turd covered in burnt hair!
It smells like Bigfoot's dick!
Oh.
Man: Oh, hell, that's rank!
Oh, what's that smell?
This is worse than the time the raccoon got in the copier.
Yeah.
It's very distracting.
- When we get to the pet shop- - Cough!
Look over here.
Excuse me, Veronica.
Yes, what is it, Brick?
I would like to extend to you
an invitation to the pants party.
Excuse me?
The party. The pants-
With the pants. Party with pants?
Brick, are you saying
that there's a party in your pants and I'm invited?
That's it.
Hmm. Did Brian tell you to say this, Brick?
No- yes, he did.
Okay. No, I don't want to go to a party in your pants.
Very well. Ian?
Would you like to go to a party in my pants?
No, Brick.
All right. Let's go!
All right, now...
I'm telling you, she is a real ball-buster.
A real ice queen.
Mm. I just burned my tongue.
The only way to bag a classy lady
is to give her two tickets to the gun show...
and see if she likes the goods.
1,001.
1,002.
- Uh, Mr. Burgundy? - 1,003.
Helen said that you needed to see me?
Oh, Miss Corningstone.
I wasn't expecting company.
Just doing my workout.
Tuesday's arms and back.
- You asked me to come by, sir. - Oh, did I?
Yes.
Oh, it's the deep burn!
Oh, it's so deep.
I can barely lift my right arm 'cause I did so many.
I don't know if you heard me counting. I did over 1,000.
You have your ubulus muscle
that connects to the upper dorsinus.
It's boring, but it's part of my life.
I'm just gonna grab this shirt, if you don't mind.
Just watch out for the guns. They'll get you.
You are pathetic.
This has to be the feeblest
pickup attempt that I have ever encountered.
I expected it from the rest of them, Mr. Burgundy, but not from you.
Wait a minute! I- pickup attempt?
I'm offended.
I have little time to get to the gym,
so I have to sculpt my guns at the office.
Oh, stop calling your arms "guns. "
Look.
My plan was to ask you
if I could squire you about town
as one professional helping another professional,
because I know what it's like to be lonely in a new city.
- Really? - Yes.
But now I am too hurt.
And shocked and offended
and- and hurt.
I could do that.
Really?
Well, yes.
As a journalist, I should get to know
the city that I'm covering.
- But this is not a date. - No, of course not.
- Strictly professional. - Wonderful.
- Hmm. - Great.
Shall I pick you up
8:00?
Mm, 9:00.
Downstairs?
Mr. Burgundy, you have a massive erection.
Really?
Yes, I do. Um...
I'm sorry, it's the-
- it's the pleats. - Mm.
It's actually an optical illusion.
It's the pattern on the pants.
It's not flattering in the crotchal region.
I'm actually taking them back right now.
Taking them back to the pants store.
Oh, this is awkward.
I'm gonna walk-
I'm gonna walk this situation off
and I will see you later. Nothing to look at.
Go back to work, everyone.
Don't act like you're not impressed.
Don't look at me right now.
I'm walking around the office.
My new walk.
I have a situation right now I'm trying to walk off.
Frame up two.
- Let's go to Brian Fantana live... - Gimme a tighter one on two.
...with a Channel 4 News exclusive.
Brian?
Panda watch. The mood is tense.
I have been on some serious, serious reports,
but nothing like this.
I- I- Ching- King is inside now.
I tried to get an interview, but they said, "You can't.
He's a live bear. He will literally rip your face off. "
Hey! You're making me look stupid!
Get out here! Panda jerk!
Great story. Compelling and rich.
That's gonna do it for all of us at Channel 4 News.
You stay classy, San Diego.
I'm Ron Burgundy?
Damn it! Who typed a question mark on the Teleprompter?
For the last time, anything you put on that prompter,
Burgundy will read.
Oh, God, this is a mistake.
This is a mistake.
He's very cute. Very cute. No, he's not. He's hairy.
There she is! Veronica!
My little China doll.
I am full of it tonight.
Oh, silly. Hi.
You look ravishing.
It truly is beauty and the beast.
I might add a handsome beast at that.
Are you ready for our rendezvous?
It's not a date.
No, strictly professional.
Doesn't mean we can't have fun.
- Shall we? - Yes.
San Diego.
Mm! Drink it in.
It always goes down smooth.
What a beautiful view, Mr. Burgundy.
I know. I love this city. It's a-
it's a fact.
It's the greatest city in the history of mankind.
Discovered by the Germans in 1904.
They named it San Diago,
which of course in German means a whale's vagina.
N- no, there's no way that's correct.
I'm sorry. I was trying to impress you.
Oh.
I don't know what it means.
I'll be honest. I don't think anyone knows what it means anymore.
Scholars maintain that the translation was lost
hundreds of years ago.
Doesn't it mean Saint Diego?
No. No.
No, that's- that's what it means.
Really.
Well, agree to disagree.
May I take your order?
Yes, I am going to have three fingers of Glenlivet
with a little bit of pepper, and, uh, some cheese.
Very good.
A Manhattan, and kick the vermouth
in the side with a pair of steel-toed boots.
- Certainly. - Thank you, Scott.
Thank you.
Wow. Quite a drink order.
Oh, well, when in Rome.
Yes?
Please, go on.
Uh, do as the Romans do?
It's an old expression.
Oh! I've never heard of it.
- Oh. - It's wonderful, though.
Mr. Burgundy.
- Tino! How are you? - So good to see you.
You're looking fantastic.
Tino, Veronica.
Veronica. What a pretty girlfriend.
- Drinks are on Tino tonight. - No, no, no.
We're work associates. I work at the station.
- I'm a journalist. - Oh, okay. This is a good guy.
Tino's the finest club owner in the city.
- My best friend, right? - Yes.
Yes, we have a saying in my country about people like him.
"The coyote of the desert
always likes to eat the heart of the young,
where the blood drips down to children for breakfast, lunch and dinner,
- only the ribs will be broken in two. " - Tino.
Okay. Well, Mr. Burgundy, we will be honored
if you will play "yazz" flute for us.
- I can't. - Please.
You play jazz flute?
- I dabble. - Oh.
Would everyone love to hear Ron Burgundy play "yazz" flute?
- Man: Get it goin', Ronnie! - Tino: Yes! Please.
You, on stage now.
Okay, I guess I can play a little ditty.
- Honestly, I'm- - Come on.
- Give him a hand. - I'm not prepared. Not at all.
- Yeah! - This is a surprise, I'll tell you.
Guys, "East Harlem Shakedown," E flat?
Keep the cymbals splashy,
and, Jay, let's take the bass line for a walk.
Hold on.
I'm not hearing it right. Hold on.
We got it now. It's all right.
Woman: Fire up, Ronnie!
Little "Ham and Eggs" comin' at you. Hope you got your griddles.
That's baby-makin' music, that's what that is.
Let's go!
Hey, Aqualung!
Thank you.
Thank you!
You were amazing.
Mm. Thank you.
Where did you learn to play like that?
Well, jazz flute
has always been a small passion of mine.
So what other passions do you have, Mr. Burgundy?
Well, I have one great passion that-
that lives deep within my loins, like a-
like a flaming golden hawk:
To one day become a network anchor.
Well, believe it or not,
we share the same dream.
I too want to be an network anchor.
God, you are so beautiful.
We really should be going.
I swore that I would never get involved with a coworker.
Wait.
What if, just for tonight, we weren't coworkers?
We were co-people?
- I don't- - Shh.
You be a woman.
I'll be a man.
That's all.
Oh.
You continue to surprise me, Mr. Burgundy.
Oh, I'm storming your castle on my steed, milady.
Oh, mi corazón es en fuego!
Julio, fuego, fuego, fuego!
Wait, stop. Stop talking like that.
- I can't understand you. - Sorry.
Take me to Pleasure Town!
- Oh, we're going there! - Oh!
# Love is like candy on a shelf #
# You want to taste and help yourself... #
I friggin' love you!
I friggin' love you back!
# Help yourself, take a few #
# That's what I want you to do... #
Look! The most glorious rainbow ever!
Oh, do me on it!
# Just say the word and they are yours... #
Whee!
# In my heart your smile has opened up the door #
# The greatest wealth that exists in the world. #
Mmm.
Well done, sir.
Tip of the cap to you as well, Miss Corningstone.
I'm having very strong feelings for you, Mr. Burgundy.
Mm.
But it's very important to me that I be viewed as a professional.
- Right. - Hmm.
When in Rome.
Yeah.
That, uh, expression
doesn't really apply to what I'm talking about.
- Oh, I'm- - What I was saying.
I still don't quite understand what it means.
Oh, no. You'll find it.
No, I was saying that,
if we continue seeing each other,
that we should keep it relatively quiet around the station.
Absolutely,
my wild love tigress.
Tasteful discretion is the name of the game.
Mm-hmm.
Veronica Corningstone and I had sex,
and now we are in love!
Did I say that loud?
Yeah, you pretty much yelled it.
Well, I can't help it.
It's fantastic!
- What's it like, Ron? - The intimate times?
Outta sight, my man!
No. The other thing.
Love.
Yeah. What is that?
Well, it's tough to explain.
- I think I was in love once. - Really, what was her name?
I don't remember.
That's not a good start, but keep going.
She was Brazilian.
Or Chinese, or something weird.
I met her in the bathroom of a K-mart,
and we made out for hours.
Then we parted ways, never to see each other again.
I'm pretty sure that's not love.
Damn it!
I love...
carpet.
I love desk.
Are you just looking at things in the office and saying you love them?
I love lamp.
Do you really love the lamp, or are you saying it because you saw it?
I love lamp! I love lamp.
You really want to know what love is?
- Yeah. - Yes, tell us.
More than anything in the world.
Well, it's really quite simple.
It's kind of like...
# Gonna find my baby, gonna hold her tight #
# Gonna grab some afternoon delight #
# My motto's always been "When it's right, it's right" #
# Why wait until the middle of a cold, dark night #
# When everything's a little clearer in the light of day #
# And we know the night #
# Is always gonna be there anyway? #
# Thinkin' of you's working up my appetite #
# Lookin' forward to a little afternoon delight #
# Rubbin' sticks and stones together make the sparks ignite #
# And the thought of lovin' you is getting so exciting #
# Sky rockets in flight #
- # Boo! # - # Afternoon delight... #
- Whoop! - You guys have it, I think.
# Afternoon delight. #
I don't know, Ron. That sounds kinda crazy.
Sounds like you have mental problems, man.
- Yeah, you got mental problems, man. - Yeah, he really does.
Man.
# Afternoon delight. #
- Wanna make a phone call. - Freshen this up.
Oh, look out. Next up, it's Whiskerus Maximus.
He's ready to do battle in the arena
against the tiniest lion you've ever imagined.
I'm getting some great stuff, Miss Corningstone.
Shut up.
Oh, I hate cats.
Let's just do my sign-off and get outta here.
It was quite a show down here at the Pet Shack.
Just for today, fashion curiosity did not kill the cat.
I'm Veronica Corningstone for Channel 4 News.
That was our newest reporter, Veronica Corningstone.
She's really great.
I'd also like to share with you that we are currently dating
and that she is quite a handful in the bedroom.
Uh...
That's gonna do it for all of us here at 6:00.
For the Channel 4 News Team, I'm Ron Burgundy.
You stay classy, San Diego.
Man: All clear.
Ron: Uh-oh.
I might be in trouble on that one.
I can't believe that you said that we were dating on the air.
Mmm! Mmm. That is good fondue.
Don't you get it, Ron? I wanna be an anchor.
That is never gonna happen if everyone in San Diego
thinks that I'm your bimbo gal pal.
I don't know what to say.
I just- I got excited.
I just wanted to shout it from on top of a mountain.
But I didn't have a mountain. I had a newsroom and a camera.
Look.
I report the news. That's what I do.
And today's top story, in Ron Burgundy's world,
read something like this:
I love Veronica Corningstone.
Oh, Ron.
Ron: This is nice, gang, sittin' here.
- Brian: Oh, yeah. - Ron: Brown baggin' it.
The team pancake breakfast is tomorrow morning at 9:00 instead of 8:00.
Oh! Almost forgot.
I won't be able to make it, fellas.
Veronica and I are trying this new fad called,
uh, jogging.
I believe it's jogging or yogging. It might be a soft "J."
I'm not sure, but apparently you just run
for an extended period of time.
- It's supposed to be wild. - So Ron's not coming?
No, Ron's coming.
It's the pancake breakfast. We do it every month.
I realize that.
Sometimes you gotta look yourself in the mirror and say, "When in Rome. "
The bottom line is,
you've been spending a lot of time with this lady.
You're a member of the Channel 4 News Team.
- That's a given. - We need you.
Hell, I need you.
I'm a mess without ya.
I miss you so damn much.
I miss being with you.
I miss being near you. I miss your laugh.
I miss- I miss your scent.
I miss your musk.
When this all gets sorted out,
I think you and me should get an apartment together.
Just take it easy, Champ.
Why don't you stop talking for a while?
Maybe sit the next couple of plays out.
You know what I mean?
Yeah, I'm gonna quit sayin' things
when they crop up in the ol' skull, huh?
See what it's like when you're not here?
You're our leader. Look what you're doing to the group.
Champ's been a mess. Brick can't sleep at night.
Here's the thing,
I don't trust this chick.
We need you around, and she is just using you.
Everyone, just relax. All right?
Believe me, if there's one thing Ron Burgundy knows, it's women.
Okay, and Veronica Corningstone, she's just-
she's just dying to quit her job
so that she can take care of me and have babies.
Hey, gang.
Papa's home.
Oh, honey.
I am so glad you're home.
My alabaster doll.
Gentlemen.
You look great.
No eye contact!
Oh, darling.
I've spent all day cleaning your Emmys
and preparing dinner in the nude.
Oh, let's make whoopie.
And then I'm going to go drinking with the news team for two days.
Wonderful. Wonderful!
Ow!
Bite it! Bite it!
- Oh, yes! - Oh, yeah!
You are a bad boy.
I'm bad. I need to go to the principal's office.
I love my life.
I don't know, Ron.
Guess what. I do.
I know that one day, Veronica and I are gonna get married
on top of a mountain.
And there's going to be flutes playing
and trombones and flowers
and garlands of fresh herbs.
And we will dance till the sun rises.
And then our children will form a family band.
And we will tour the countryside,
and you won't be invited!
I'm telling you, this lady has really crawled into Ron's head.
Good. Good one!
Oh, okay. I understand.
You have a nice day, sir. Bye.
Um, I could come back later, Mr. Harken.
No, no, no.
It's just parent stuff.
It seems that our youngest, Chris, was
on something called acid
and was firing a bow and arrow into a crowd.
- Mm. - You know how kids are.
Oh. Right.
Anyhoo, what can I do you for?
Well, Mr. Harken,
I feel like I have proven myself as a journalist
and that I deserve the opportunity
to take on more challenging stories.
Well, ask and you shall receive.
Ah, yes, this just came across my desk.
Here is a story of a 103-year-old woman
who claims to have a recipe for the world's greatest meat loaf.
Ooh, now that's a hot lead.
Narrator: It was very hard for Veronica.
But she was a pro and hung tough.
But soon, with a simple act of littering,
everyone's life would change forever.
Ron: # La la la la la. #
# Oh, Baxter, you are my little gentleman #
# I'll take you to foggy London Town #
# Because you are what? #
# My little gentleman. #
This burrito is delicious, but it is filling.
Ron: Whoa!
Antony and Cleopatra!
Goddamn son of-
What the hell, bro'?
Hello, neighbor.
Did you just throw a burrito out your window?
I believe I did.
Are you high or something? Did you see what happened?
I did. That was a terrific spill. That's quite a raspberry.
That's my chopper you just thrashed, Broseph.
Easy, compadre. I'm your friend out here, all right?
I want you to fix my chopper before I stomp your goofy ass!
If you want to throw down, fine.
I've got Jack Johnson and Tom O'Leary waiting for you.
You destroyed the only thing I love.
All right? There it is. What do you love?
I love poetry.
And a glass of Scotch.
And, of course, my friend Baxter here.
Well, guess what. Now this is happenin'.
Excuse me. Excuse me. What are you doing?
That's how I roll.
Baxter!
No...!
- Where the hell is he? - He'll be here.
- I thought he was Mr. Dependable. - It's not like Ron.
I'd put Brick on, but unless he's tracking a storm front, he's useless.
- Excuse me, gentlemen. - Oh. Hello.
Just want you to know if Ron does not show up, I am ready to go on.
You and I have had this discussion a million times.
There's never been a woman anchor.
Mr. Harken,
- this city needs its news. - Oh.
You're gonna deprive them of that because I have breasts?
Exquisite breasts?
I am gonna go on, and if you want to stop me, bring it on.
Because I am good at three things:
fighting, screwing and reading the news.
I've already done one of those today, so what's the other one gonna be?
Uh-
Screwing?
I will be in makeup.
Jesus, she's terrifying!
Fantana.
Ron, are you okay?
The man punted Baxter!
Calm down.
Breathe, Ron, breathe.
The man that loved the motorcycle!
What did the bad man do?
The motorcycle on the bridge! I hit him with a burrito!
- Ron! - He took him!
He took him with his foot and he kicked him!
That's what he did!
Someone punted him?
No, wait. Wait. Let me say something.
What?
I- I don't- I didn't understand one word you said.
Ron, are you okay? Ron?
Ron. Where are you?
I'm in a glass case of emotion!
He's gonna put Corningstone on.
He's gonna put Corningstone on!
I've got to do the news!
You're not Ron.